INTRODUCING, the $500 VAN!

"500dollarvan" (500dollarvan) 10/14/2015 at 18:54 • Filed to: van, manual, $500, Jalopnik, Nissan, Axxess, toilet, douche, burnout, amazing, highway, thesmokingtire, mattfarrah, $500Van

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Come, learn the bliss and joy that is the $500 Van!

Hello,

I would like to introduce you all to something very special and close to my heart. The $500 Nissan Axxess Minivan some of you may recognize this beauty from, the one and only, Mr. Farah’s !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! Series. Again, Thank you Matt. We apologize for trolling your social media! We are also now very excited to be featured on Jalopnik. I am going to credit my obnoxious tweet I sent from the bar last night for that amazing feat…

I will fully admit that we, the dude’s of the $500 Van, are completely new to posting on oppo and, yes there is a little bit of shameless self-promotion going on here. (Click Here -> !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! ) However, we would genuinely like to share our love of odd shitty vans with you all.

An Introduction to our van:

This is actually our second $500 Minivan. Our first was a 1988 Dodge Caravan, which is sadly no longer with us. I still miss its glorious wood paneling. It was last seen traveling down the road on a flatbed truck with a large phallus spray-painted on the side. More on that another time…..

The Nissan Axxess is a shitty little van, so shitty in fact that no one bought it during its one model year on sale here in the USA. We found the Axxess on Craigslist (obviously) in Maine. Being such a valuable item we immediately drove 5 hours to purchase the van for the large sum of $500.

How is the van?!?!?:

It runs great! After the end of each New England winter, we lovingly retrieve it from the woods; it starts up immediately, incinerating any creatures who foolishly decided to hibernate in the van’s exhaust. Did we mention that the $500 van takes no prisoners?

Although the van’s survival during 3-5 harsh New England winter months may not seem like much at first glace, please note, we do ZERO winterizing. We just park it in the woods and leave it.

It is genuinely surprising that the only damage the van saw this past winter was at the hands of some local disenfranchised youths (also known as little-shits) who smashed a can of Steel Reserve through the passenger window. We did drink the Steel Reserve though, so thanks for the drink.

It might be considered uncouth to drink a can of Steel Reserve that was used to smash your van’s passenger window, but what did you expect? We shit on the highway for fucks sake!!

(Allegedly- the $500 VAN NEVER condones breaking the law, or local ordinances)

We love driving around in our van, because we don’t care about its condition at all. When the horn gets stuck on and we smash the dash apart trying to stop it, who care!!! Also the warm fuzzy feeling you get inside (similar to James May’s fizz but probably closer to the colon than the penis) when parking next to an expensive car is truly epic.

There is truly something magical about driving a car that is worth less than a thousand dollars. Also it does burnouts, you can’t go wrong with !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! .

The Toilet:

Being from Maine, rust is a slight issue. The rust hole in the spare tire well was so large, someone made a joke (wasn’t actually that funny) about peeing out of it. Being both a tad obsessive and certifiably compulsive we immediately built a toilet out of PVC and a funnel. Yes it is functional. Yes it has allegedly been used. Its not a pleasant experience but is still much more pleasant that your average truck stop!

There is so much more I could share about the van, but I will save that for later. I do not want to overload oppo with the Van’s amazing aura nor do I know if I can actually post here. Oh and we also like cigars!

Yours Truly,

-The 500dollar van.

P.S. in the name of self promotion hit us up on Facebook /500dollarvan and on the other social medias at @500dollarvan

YouTube !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!!

Let us know what you want to hear about the Van! Hate mail is also welcome, that shit is fun .

EL_ULY > 500dollarvan 10/14/2015 at 18:56

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hands down one of my fav One Takes. Awesome job sir :] !!!!

500dollarvan > EL_ULY 10/14/2015 at 19:04

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Thank you! we are glad you approve of our unorthodox shitting methods

Gneah > 500dollarvan 10/14/2015 at 19:06

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Loved your other van videos on youtube. I want to poo in your van.

500dollarvan > Gneah 10/14/2015 at 19:16

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Call its number! We will call you back and set up a time for you to crap in it if you are near CT.

Mr. Ontop, No Strokes, No Smokes...Goes Fast. > Gneah 10/14/2015 at 19:22

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Technically, wouldn’t you be pooing through the van?

PS9 > 500dollarvan 10/14/2015 at 19:25

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On one hand; Driving something that smells like piss.
On the other; No one will ever ask you to move. Or for rides. Or to borrow your piss van.

Ehhhh...it’s kind of a wash.

500dollarvan > Mr. Ontop, No Strokes, No Smokes...Goes Fast. 10/14/2015 at 19:26

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does not one poo through their toilet into a septic tank or sewer? Yet we say that we crap in the toilet. Damn this poo-losophy is deep.

Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap > 500dollarvan 10/14/2015 at 19:26

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Welcome! Your van is amazing.

500dollarvan > PS9 10/14/2015 at 19:32

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To be honest it doesn’t smell THAT bad. Unless its being used, that is truly atrocious.

Mr. Ontop, No Strokes, No Smokes...Goes Fast. > 500dollarvan 10/14/2015 at 19:38

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I’m not sure I want to continue this line of thought..........

Mr. Ontop, No Strokes, No Smokes...Goes Fast. > 500dollarvan 10/14/2015 at 19:39

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And speaking of vans....this one speaks to me.

http://sandiego.craigslist.org/nsd/cto/521896…

Takuro Spirit > 500dollarvan 10/14/2015 at 19:55

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+1

Under_Score > 500dollarvan 10/14/2015 at 20:00

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This is awesome! I never knew these existed.

It’d be a lot more than $500, but it’d be cool if someone brought a first gen Espace to America. One of the first minivans.

500dollarvan > Under_Score 10/14/2015 at 20:14

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Dude! the Espace is baller! There is serious debate in the van community over the first true minivan, the Espace or the Caravan. We are Caravan men to the core out of loyalty to our first $500 van.

I had never heard of the Axxess either until I came across it on Craigslist. The listing labeled the van as “Perfect Island Car, Some Rust”

BBABawse > 500dollarvan 10/14/2015 at 20:28

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This is great. I can’t wait to see more. Keep it coming. We had a Caravan growing up, always love a good minivan.

Nuts4vannin > 500dollarvan 10/14/2015 at 21:18

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As a fellow vanner I can’t say how much I love that van’s toilet. Best One Take ever dudes. Love the Youtube too

500dollarvan > Nuts4vannin 10/14/2015 at 21:22

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Thanks for the support! Let us know what Van content you are interested in.

Crazydrives12 > 500dollarvan 10/14/2015 at 21:23

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Sick one take van bros. Would love to see more of this beast

TheVancen- In Pursuit of a Greater Payday and Car Parts > 500dollarvan 10/14/2015 at 21:30

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That is epic. Here’s my not 500 dollar van and my 400 dollar Taurus SHO.

The SHO came out of the woods in New York and the van came from a Hotwheels collector here in K Town.

TheVancen- In Pursuit of a Greater Payday and Car Parts > Mr. Ontop, No Strokes, No Smokes...Goes Fast. 10/14/2015 at 21:31

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Buy it you fool. Buy and flip even.

500dollarMatt > TheVancen- In Pursuit of a Greater Payday and Car Parts 10/14/2015 at 21:32

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Yeah man, definitely pick that up. They don’t come around that much.

500dollarvan > Crazydrives12 10/14/2015 at 21:53

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you will!

Matt Krantz > 500dollarvan 10/15/2015 at 10:23

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I saw the video yesterday and loved it. So ostentatious though.....I just won an auction for a 91 Caravan for 207 dollars. Picking it up tomorrow, I am curious to know how much van I get for that price.

500dollarvan > Matt Krantz 10/15/2015 at 14:34

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Damn, we love those. I would suggest paying attention to the transmission and head gasket . Very jealous of your third row seat.

Aaron Brown > 500dollarvan 10/17/2015 at 04:18

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Great to have you guys with us.

500dollarvan > Aaron Brown 10/17/2015 at 11:35

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We are glad to be here and hope you enjoy our antics.